some of my thoughts within my Pandora box

every rape survivor reacts and comes differently.  think if a bereavement there are different stages of grief and everyone would cope differently.  the days in which the abuse took place were most definitely the darkest and most traumatic days of my life.
sometimes I try ad picture a peaceful place like one of my favourite places Tunstall reservoir.  so calm so peaceful so quiet so still. when I panic I can become withdrawn from the current situation.  I am finding it most beneficial going to the gym to keep active and to distract myself from negative thoughts.
I am starting to realise that avoidance is not a solution. talking to close friends is useful but it isn’t always a solution either.

how do I deal with regularly occurring flashbacks?  I am going to try and write down the flashbacks and discuss them with my psychologist. I have a great deal of self blame  I never used to be able to cry out my feelings but now I can cry and feel I am able to let some of the things out that I would otherwise keep hidden and locked away  I use this metaphor of the Pandora box,  my liccy box. the box where my experiences good and bad, memories and emotions that are within the box but often remain shut and locked away. sometimes the lid of the liccy box opens slightly ajar and some memories and experiences are shared or indeed thoughts and feelings may be shared
l need to try and learn and to accept that there will be good and bad days but that this normal and is experienced by everybody. I am proud of what I have achieved and my stepping stones to success are evident.
I need to learn to set myself manageable goals. try not to blame myself when things go wrong. learn to be proud of myself. sometimes there will be times of sadness and extreme low days, but for me it is important to keep going and never give up hope.  allow myself time to recover and to take care of myself,  pamper myself and to learn to love myself more. believe that I am beautiful and a good person is going to take a long time before I start to praise and believe in myself.  there is no one way of coping and healing.
I do get a sense of satisfaction and slight relief when I am able to write down my thoughts and feelings on my blog as it is how I am feeling at tat specific moment in time and often this can be useful to look back on for reflective practice and therapy work.


interesting article for people with mental health issues to relate to

I came across the following article today and it highlights just what people with mental health problems go through on a daily basis

it proves to me just how amazing we all are in how we carry on living our day to day lives often with a burden of things on our mind!

give the article a quick read it’s worth a glance ☺

long time coming…

it’s been a long time since I’ve updated with a blog on here.

it’s certainly been a roller coaster the last few weeks. the wedding planning is going great. work consultations about the redundancies not so great but I am actively looking for other work opportunities but at least I remain working in my current role until the end of March which gives me time to hopefully secure a full time job elsewhere.  the bad news that we’ve faced this week is a bereavement in the family.  another angel in heaven and another star in the sky.  my fiancee and I shared lots of treasured memories with this lovely lady and she will be sadly missed. however we are pleased that we both got to say our final goodbyes to her when she needed it most!  I am  coping with it as everybody else would cope bereavement effects ever person differently.  last night I made the decision for my fiancee and I to have a reflection time and to light a candle in her memory.  we are doing our best to support the family with anything they need help and support with. we are managing day by day. my medication finally feels stable again and the migraines have eased. onwards and upwards keep plodding on keep optimistic keep smiling and have faith that tomorrow is a new day with new memories to make!

Wednesday writing

Just a update I don’t post in here as often as I used to but I still like to read other people’s blogs and take some inspirations and tips about there coping strategies.  I’m doing really well at the moment despite the prospect of possible reduency next year and a wedding to plan for I’m taking everything in my stride  so much so that the psychiatrist is really impressed with my progress and I’m gradually reducing my medication. I’m pleased about this as if I can cope with my bipolar without as many medications pumping through my veins it’s a good thing and proves how far I am in my road back to recovery.  I won’t lie some days are more challenging than others and no two days are the same.  But I’m doing the best I can do and I’m happy with how things are going so will continue the positive thinking and attitude.

Today’s a lovely autumnal day,
Enjoying things that come my way.
The autumnal colours red, yellow, brown and green,
Are the beautiful colours I’ve ever seen.
Autumn is my favourite season,
It’s cosy, it’s warm, it’s peaceful it’s calm.
Things are going well for me,
There’s still some days that my mind disagrees
I still get days of severe fatigue
And feelings that I have no motivation
Or determination
But I’m trying to stick to a new philosophy
Every day do something just for me
Believe in myself that I have done good
I’ve done something today that makes me proud
I am strong I am helpful I’m caring I’m kind.
I always put others before myself and try to put away the negative thoughts in my mind.
I’m doing just fine
And I’m grateful for all the chances that I have.

Fitness Thursday

haven’t posted for a while as I have been full of busy with work wedding plans and just life in general really. Things are good mood wise and I feel content and in control. I have pushed myself to go to Zumba class this week and I have been to two I love it its great exercise and such good fun. But my God do I ache tonight I feel about 60 but it will all be worth it if I tone up and loose some weight for my lovely wedding dress.  It’s been a lovely afternoon too I have had my next door neighbour round for a catch up and coffee. Having a early night as I’m shattered not sure what I’m doing tomorrow see where the day takes me I guess! Bye for now 

Another miserable Monday! 

I swear when the weather is full and gloomy it has an effect on your mood as I have felt dull and gloomy all day. At work there is a lot of secrecy and meetings going on and all staff have to go at set times over the next few days to talk with the headteacher about something. We all know that there’s financial difficulties at the moment but we are all trying our hardest to keep our high standard as an outstanding school our professionalism and dedication to our jobs hasn’t change. I am lucky that I adore the job I do and not a lot of people say that about there job there is never been a time when I’ve thought screw this job it’s shit! Everyone feels like they are walking on eggshells at the minute and we shouldn’t guess and worry ourselves of what the news could be. At the minute I’m grateful of each day that I am continuing to do the job I love. There is worries in my head but I’m trying to keep myself busy at home to help take joy mind off these worries. Sleep is becoming problematic again which sucks a bit as my sleep has been great for a good few weeks. I think it’s because there is a mixture of things going on for me right now enjoyable wedding plans and preparations but then the worry of possible redundancy and not being able to afford the mortgage or the wedding, it’s positive battling against negative and it’s becoming hard to keep upbeat and positive but I’m trying my best!