How is it Sunday again already?!

todays been quite a reasonable day, I got a lot of household jobs done that needed doing like the mountain of ironing and sorting out the office and doing my planning and making resources for work. My boyfriend has been away with scouts overnight as he’s a scout leader and even though it was just for one night I missed him so much! Since my bipolar diagnosis I’m not good at being alone but don’t really like to tell loved ones this! My boyfriend knows and my best friends know but my parents don’t! When I go from room to room I panic and when it gets dark outside I panic more any little noise sounds scary and loud. When I try and fall asleep horrible thoughts go through my head, I doubt myself that I set the alarm so I have to go and re check it a number of times. My mind seems to play a lot of trick games on me when I’m alone, I hate looking in the mirror when I’m on my own, cos during my psychosis when I was younger and staying at Leeds uni I had long periods of being on my own and hallucinating one of the hallucinations I remember is a young girl in the mirror giving me instructions and messages to do and sometimes they were good advice and sometimes they weren’t good and I’m sometimes think that when I’m on my own she will come back. And considering I now have a brand new house with my boyfriend I want it to be full of happy memories not horror! It probably all sounds childish and immature to some of you that may read this but to me it’s all very real. So last night I hardly slept at all despite having my sedative tablets and listening to my relaxation music I just lay there awake for hours on end wishing my boyfriend was home. He returned home about 5 this evening and that was the best feeling ever! Huge amount of relief left me and now I feel safe again in my home even though I should feel safe when I’m here on my own but I don’t just yet maybe this will get better with time? Does anyone else have problems like this? And if you do how do you deal with them? Would appreciate any suggestions to this!

Bye for now Alicia 



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