Interview update

did I get the job of course I didn’t? Apparently my interview answers were amazing my portfolio amazing qualifications amazing written task amazing that flipping amazing that I didn’t get the job???!!! Yeah cos that makes sense! They offered the job to a person who has worked to within the department for a while, so basically they already had someone lined up, I just have to tell myself I did great I got shortlisted down to 3 out of 60 and was told if they had a second post I would of got it! Might be a load of bull but makes me feel a light bit better! I just feel numb, like do I even deserve any good luck or happiness in my life at all, it just seems to be let down upset let down upset one after another after another after another and I’m getting warm out fed up and sick of it al now! I give everything I do my upmost I work bloody hard for everyone and within my job and for what I wonder for actual what?! Who am I actually appreciated by I do wonder sometimes as days months can go by and only a few very close friends keep in touch so are the other how ever many people on f book or social media just noisy at my riveting life and my posts and photos of going out ever night?! As if like I have that kind of life that’s a joke! Last weekend was one of the few nights out I’ve had in a long time and there’s was moments of that night i doubted myself as to whether I should be out or not! I do not know what has happened to the girl I used to be I think she’s locked in a closet somewhere and someone’s thrown away the key. To make matters worse today I saw one of the boys that created so much pain and suffering for me in the past.

He saw me looked me up and down and said wow you’re still amazingly gorgeous want me to show you back to my room?! How does he even have the check with the bloody smirky smiley smile on his face that I wish I had the ability to just wipe off, 

But I was quite proud of my response,

Yes I’m gorgeous I know and I’m far more worthy of scum like you so jog on! 

Felt quite proud of that even though I was trembling with fear and panic inside wondering if he would try and attack me or something. I said my piece and ran and kept on running until I knew he was out of site. Gotta myself together tried to stay calm went into a coffee shop and didn’t say a word to anyone about what had happened the guy should be locked up and the key thrown into the Atlantic Ocean never to be discovered by anyone every again! Hate is a strong word but it goes beyond hate for him and his so called best friend what they did to me I can never forgive and the mental  scaring that they are still causing me is something I wish I could just magic away but no matter what medication what therapy I have they remain printed on the depths of my mind like a tattoo that can’t be lasered off. Things aren’t great for me and I’m very up and down at the minute and I can’t pin point what is making me feel so down. Hope it’s just a little blip and things star improving. But I guess no one takes disappointments easily! 

Just a waiting game now 

the interview for the job went really well and I feel like I answered all the questions to the best of my ability they also seemed impressed that I had put a little portfolio of evidence and resources that I had been using on my current job recently. There was also a written task which I feel I answered well. So it’s just a waiting game waiting for the mobile to ring and be told one way or another, I’ve never wanted a job so much in my life it fits me and what I want to do down to a tee, but what happens happens! That’s it for now x

Today’s the day

well today is my interview day I have mixed emotions, I’m excited  I’m nervous I’m wondering whether I’m good enough to get the job, I’m scared I panic and can’t answer the questions. I feel so lethargic today could easily snuggle back under the duvet and go back to sleep. However I do have a inbuilt message somewhere telling me go girl fight what the job you can do it just do your best. I’m just worried if they ask about why I have had a big sickness record from my previous job but I will just be honest about my diagnosis and how it’s controlled by medication and that hopefully there will be no severe times that will require time off in the future. I also hope that they don’t hold this against me for whatever reason as I have heard some of the good companies do that but don’t make that out to the interviewee they just come out with  sorry but we have someone we think is more suitable to the job, that’s discriminating and is one of the lpwest and demoralising things that could be said to anyone. I feel I cover all the requirements of the job I guess now it’s just down to how I do in the interview, trying to remain calm and distracting myself by having the TV on or music on in the background trying hard not to overthink things, easier said than done. Anyway that’s pretty much all I can right until after the interview. Enjoy your Thursday x

Wet and wild Wednesday 

great old British weather I literally don’t think we are ever going to get a summer this year or actually I think we had ours in what like June? We had glorious very hot days then and now it’s raining every single day. What’s weird is the Lake District is usually the place where it can rain a lot but I visited this weekend and the weather was so sunny and beautiful whereas at home it was pouring day what on earth is up with that? Well my cpn came today for a check up visit. She was really pleased to see that I was doing much better confidence wise, she’s pleased I’ve started gradually going out and meeting my friends at bit more than I used to but I still find this nerve wracking deep down. I’m going to a job interview for a speech therapist assistant which is the opportunity I have been waiting for as its within the nhs and works with a wider range of children and has more opportunities for training and progression than my current job. My current job I love but there’s redundancies being made so I think it’s time I applied for other things. I was lucky I have been shortlisted for interview out of 70 candidates and they are interviewing only 3 people and I’m one of them. I am obviously nervous but I have planned interview questions and answers and have done a lot of research in the speech and language area and I have put a portfolio together of my current resources all I can do is try my best and if I know in myself I have done my best that’s the main thing! I am still having horrendous sleep problems, or when I do sleep I’m having flashbacks and nightmares from my past, the shower is still difficult, sometimes anxiety attacks come over me for no apparent reason and if I’m in a strange place ie a shop I just have to leave when the attack comes on,  occasionally still getting voices sometimes positive and sometimes negative voices. I am still incredibly lethargic but I am trying my best to push my self to do more, I have developed a great support network And one of my best friends has bipolar so he can relate to what I’m going through and helps me a lot. I’m very tearful at the minute and have been doubting things but I’m getting reassurance off people that things are good and that I am doing just fine. However my medication is being increased again which makese feel quite numb like maybe it’s a lie that people are saying they notice a difference in me is it a good difference or bad difference who knows and  getting quite sick of taking a cocktail of tablets but this is something I will have to accept as the bipolar is for life. But I do think I’m starting to get my confidence my drive and some of my ambition to succeed in life back again so it can’t be all that bad! Hope everyone else is doing good, keep going! Happy blogging! Bye for now x

Update

i haven’t posted on here for a while as things have been very busy. I have enjoyed a lovely weekend at the Lake District with my cousins. It’s such a peaceful, beautiful and tranquil place. Wouldn’t mind living there actually. We went to Beatrix potter museum together which was amazing! Went on a dinner cruise with live music travelling lake windermere that was stunning incredible views and beautiful houses and mansions to just be in ore at. Had a great night out clubbing which I haven’t done on goodness I don’t know how long and didn’t have any hangover the next day which is an added bonus. On the Sunday went for afternoon in the most beautiful hotel I have ever seen which has looked out over the lake just wonderful. However I did not sleep one bit over the weekend which left me running on empty and today I did not wake up until 2pm good jobs it’s the summer holiday and I didn’t have to go in to work would have totally missed my alarm call I think! Obviously needed the sleep though. Things are a bit difficult at the moment and there’s some difficult decisions to make without hurting people in the process. I am going to go out more with friends and live my life the way i should I’m only 27 and I feel like I’m housebound half of the time which probably isn’t doing a great deal for my mental well being either. So I wl begin taking baby steps towards going out more and enjoying myself and try not to overthink things have a positive outlook on life rather than negative, life has its ups and downs, but I’m also a great believer that things happen for a reason, and the decisions that i make are the right decisions and I shouldn’t feel guilty about things that I do or think too hard about the past. I have to live for the moment enjoy myself and be thankful of the friends and supportive family I have around me and the amazing best friend I have made in the last couple of months that feels like I have known for a life time, would be lost without him and I love and respect him so much! We have been through very similar things but have both come out the other side with confidence, strength, ambitions, hopes and dreams and great admiration for each other 😊 meeting on the same course for the same reasons and having very similar experiences is very weird as though it’s a sign that things will get better but that this person will remain in my life for life, that the friendship and relationship is destined to be. I would like to hope so. I have never liked confrontation and arguments with people but I do believe sometimes it is necessary, I am learning that if there’s things that are worrying me or that I need to share to say them regardless of the consequences being honest and upfront has always been something I’ve done and will continue to do. It’s strange the paths and obstacles that are put in front of you and there’s certainly things that come along to test your feelings and dreams without a doubt and although at the moment I feel like I’m stuck in knee deep quick sand, I will find a way to get out to cope to make the decision and to choice the correct path to where I want to be! 

Mm Monday 

no body enjoys the Monday morning alarm, and it’s always a case of 5 mins longer. There was a time when my alarm used to go off and I was straight out of bed and getting ready no problem at all now it’s really really difficult. I’m lucky to only work one full day then the rest half days but by the end of my full day on a Monday you could knock me down with a feather, I’m that shattered. I still can’t work out why my energy is so bad, I’m eating healthily, I’m drinking much more water, I’m doing a bit more exercise now I know I need to do more exercise but when I come home so weak is it even a good idea to try doing any exercise, I don’t think it is. And the psychiatrist said just do walking and light exercise until my medication had time to take effect. I do a lot of walking into everyday job but I enjoy walking in the countryside too so hoping to get out and about more over summer. Bike riding as well I hope love bike riding. My boyfriend and I got a huge surprise when we got in from work my dad had finished putting turf and a gravelled path and bbq area in our garden. The garden is starting to look so stunning just need some shrubs and plants for the borders and then the guests can join us for summer parties. I’m so greats il to have such a lovely helpful family around me I would be truly lost with out themy dad and grandad have done most of the work in the garden and  not just saying it because it’s my own but Alan titchmarch couldn’t of planned andads the garden any nicer! They’re very special people my dad and grandy love them so much! 

So the mountain of speech and language resources is now all laminated! Mini Mexican wave to me and I just have the glorious job of cutting and putting into individual game packages tomorrow which again will probably take all day! This seemed like a great idea when I started as all the resources can be reused but my god what a long task i have set myself! But I will do it it will all be done by Wednesday afternoon in time for breaking up for summer holiday 😊 grandy Nanna and my cousin Matthew came over for coffee and to see the garden tonight which was nice so had a nice chat with them. I put out my first lot of bird feed and water on the bird feeder and it’s sad but I can’t wait to see the first bird entering the garden hoping it might be tomorrow morning whilst sat having breakfast!  😊 anyhow I’m starting to fall asleep think it’s time for bed!  

 

Sunday fun day 

had a lovely Sunday today had Sunday lunch with the future in laws, then home to do the chores and a bit of research for work, then my parents joined us for a drink on the decking and admiring the garden before the sunset, it was just perfect and a very happy time. My boyfriend and I have worked so had to make our first house our home and we couldn’t be happier with how it’s all planning out, I have 3 days left to work then it’s the summer holidays and looking forward to catch ups with my friends bbqs and parties in the garden, days out and weekends away with my boyfriend and lots of happy times, the summer break is definitely needed as is some relaxation to hopefully feel much better, but things are slowly starting to improve health wise, so that’s somewhat promising 😊 enjoy what’s left of the weekend.