Thursday so far

so the struggle to get out of bed this morning was unreal. Like a mental force making my body heavy and not want to move. Luckily my boyfriend was there for a few words of encouragement. Really freaking out in the shower lately. I think this links to an incident in the past, but the event is faded now, but the emotion I feel in the shower now is panic and anxiety and I rush to get back out where a few weeks ago showers where relaxing and certainly not problematic. Smells and noise are immense. Smelling is the worst though, like when I’m out walking the dog, fresh grass smells so much stronger, the manure spreading on the fields well that makes me want to hurl! Then there’s the smell of gas leaks when I pass a certain part in a footpath. Sometimes there’s intense rotten food smells or stale milk at work in the staff room now and I’m starting to avoiding going in now, which isn’t good because I don’t want to isolate myself from my colleagues when I’ve just started getting in the swing of things. Since my increase in hours from 15 to 20 it’s been noticeable by my manager that I’m struggling and we had a meeting yesterday to discuss how to make things more manageable over the coming weeks and this was really helpful and positive but I still drove home in tears, and exhaustion! I have no idea what has happened inside my brain of mine atm but it truly sucks, I just can’t switch off, past memories are playing regular flashbacks, places of significance are replaying iny head, conversations and advice from people who aren’t alive anymore are playing over and over, and I don’t know if it’s hallucinations, hearing voices or just my mind working overtime, I feel and I’m acting crazy, regardless my behave at the moment is not “normal” whatever that word even means! And the agonising comments of, “a good night sleep will make things go away, or pick yourself up, you’re so miserable just smile you have nothing to worry about anyway!” If only my life was that bloody simple, I’m loosing control of my organisation like housework I can’t keep up with the washing and ironing at work my folder of kids work is an unorganised mess and i stressed all my issues with cpn who visited me this morning. She is very concerned with me at the moment and doesn’t want me to be at work. But I’m not giving up my work it’s the only thing that keeps me sane and being at home would drag me down further and she understands my point of view on that so that’s good. At the same time I do need help but I don’t know what help just yet. Things can only get better right???


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