Tuesday tipping point 

today I couldn’t even manage to get to work, and couldn’t bring myself to ring work and explain why I couldn’t come in. I sent my line manager a text and then somehow plucked the courage to ring her and chat. Then I rang crisis team as I couldn’t stop crying I had no idea why I was carry and why I was feeling so low, I couldn’t drive anywhere. I felt glued to the spot, I went to see Mams friend and stayed there for a few hours doing not luck apart from crying but trying to rationalise why I felt so bad. I managed to somehow drive home, but as soon as I got home I cried and cried and cried somemore I felt like I was on my own and no one wanted or knew how to help, I couldn’t drink or eat anything, I didn’t know if I wanted to sit down stand up or lie down, I wanted nothing, but needed a lot, some help! My boyfriend was at work but because I hadn’t sent my normal texts to him to say I was at work he knew someone was wrong, I’ve been saying that I’m sleeping when actually I have had no sleep for such a long time despite sleeping tablets, I am having horrendous flashbacks of my past a lot and a very strong fear of the shower, this links up when I had my psychosis in the past I was terrified of the shower and  I apparently used to scream I can’t go in I can’t go in because something bad happened in a shower a Leeds uni but I have no recollection what! Even when I’m feeling well I go in the shower and tears roll down my face so there must be something subconiously trying to tell me something happened and I need to figure out what. I don’t want to share the nature of the flashbacks and I’m starting to get some hallucinations the same girl I used to see when looking on the mirror at Leeds, back then she gave me positive reassurance to go home and get help and things would be okay. Now her face is half blurred and other half horrifying scary and angry and telling me something bad is going to happen. Like enough bad things already haven’t happened for gods sake. In the last fortnight:

  • Family friend died
  • Job cut backs due to finance difficulties so no guaranteed job security
  • Having objects that were lodged in my ear for years removed
  • Being told that I have permanent damage to my eardrum
  • That I’m practically death completely in my right ear 
  • That my left ear hearing is almost as bad as my right and is loosing hearing rapidly 
  • Being told that it’s not the hospitals responsibility if between now and when I see the consultant who will explain what’s go on, that if I loose my hearing between now and then it’s not there fault! 
  • My frustration anxiety motivation determination positive thinking has all taken some kind of blow

We had an emergency appointment with the cpn nurse and my boyfriend went with me he expressed his concerns. And I got everything I could think of out in the open like word vomit, so they don’t think my lamotrigine is working and hasn’t been for a few weeks my sleeping tablets are having no effect at all. But somehow I managed to go to work ovr the last few weeks and function well and no concerns about my performance were noted by any staff at all. Which is unbelievable quite frankly! So tonight I start my new medication and been advised not to work for the rest of the week so I can get rest. But this makes me feel worse I’ve let down work my boyfriend my family and myself! Life officially sucks, I no longer have any control over my life, and the bloody bipolar has well and truly sucked the life out of me and is well and truly beating me! This is not part of my recovery this fucking sucks!!

I hope everyone else is doing well, and maybe I will get some spark back soon! 

  

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