Today has been one hell of a bad day, it was school photo day for the children and I got the job of organising each class into height order and getting them ready for photos, doing ties, doing hair, tidying shirt buttons, cardigans socks, helping them put on on or kits, gymnastic leotards, dance costumes, football kits, sorting music group, swimming groups, netball groups, setting out benches and seats, checking each individual child to ensure they looked good. 30 children each class, ten classes for each class photo then all the sport groups so probably in region of 30 or 40 photos done in one morning, then back to my speech and language sessions in the morning. Well the depression fog came over me like a tidal wave, extreme fatigue, lack of concentration, uncontrollable crying, so I literally couldn’t get any children for therapy sessions. So I sat and did what I could which was making resources for my speech therapy and occupational therapy sessions tomorrow. My boyfriend cooked tea and I didn’t feel like eating at all or drinking anything, I felt like curling up into a tight ball like a hedgehog or running away, no comfort or reassurance that I’m doing so well is helping. And the ridiculous comments of, I can’t understand why your crying you have nothing to cry about, if I hear that said to me one more time, I feel I might just snap and give them something to cry about, and the daily comments of work people pleasant comments of how you doing today? I feel like saying well actually I’m feeling utter shit actually and I don’t really know why?! How would they respond then, would they say, ok have a good day then?! See I’m even snapping about this, grumpy and fed up about being grumpy and fed up! Nothing I do at work or the help I gave those 300 and off children today seemed good enough, not that I want thanks and praise, but it just felt like something about what I was doing wasn’t right, even when I got told it’s the quickest and most efficient way they’ve ever got photos done down to me, it felt like that comment was a lie, struggling to understand the truth from sarcasm and starting to believe that negative comments I hear in passing or in the staff room is having a personal dig at me! I’ve tried to explain to my cpn nurse how I feel and I don’t think she gets how low I’m feeling actually. She said o need to open up and tell her things, thing is my last cpn Claire was amazing and is one of my closest friends now, but I can’t seem to tell how I feel to this new cpn, she’s not really giving me, the I will help you friendly vibe, which isn’t helping me as I do need help I feel but I don’t know who to turn too, I need help from someone but I don’t want to be nasty to the new nurse I just don’t think she gets me at all! And I’m getting so run down I’m worried I’m gadfly slipping into depression, I have most of the tell tale signs yet she’s not picking up on them! I can’t afford to get into depression again it literally turns my world upside down, impacts my job my family being able to afford our house, my friends and boyfriend so literally everything connected to my life. Ultimately I hate letting people down. So I am in need of help but from who?! I was in so much of emotional state driving home thoughts were going through my head telling me to hit something and have a crash and you’ve dams aged some of the pain and i wouldn’t be injured it was like a stress ball, hitting the object would have given some relief. Never had a thought like that before. On s night having a lot of wishing o was no longer hear, and I wouldn’t be missed that much if was dead anyway, but this isn’t a good place to be at all anyway there ends my day.
I add a poem as well I did manage a tiny smile whilst reading it :