Monday’s come round again

well this morning I was larger than life considering we didn’t get home from Glasgow until 5 then up again for work at 7. I was doing PE lessons at work all morning and I was joining in with everything had a great time God knows where all the energy came from! Then after lunch I crashed but it didn’t matter so much as I was doing speech assessments which meant I could sit and listen quietly to the children as they answered the questions on the screen and recording there responses. 

After work to be honest all I wanted to do was go home and staying in I was so exhausted and was getting really emotional and crying on my way home for no know reason again I hate it when I have no reason for the sudden on burst of years! But anyway we had been invited to Nanna and grandads for tea, so had to waken myself up a bit, we stayed for a little while after tea but made our apologies to go home as we are all just absolutely shattered but my shattered is quite different to overs as I have the extra bipolar symptoms to go alongside it! Not a good combination! I feel an early night and hopefully sleeping and not struggling with sleep might be what’s called for tonight.

I love the quotation on this picture one of my favourites 

  

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Glasgow acdc day 

I am having a great time and managed to sleep well last night which means I don’t feel too shattered and we are all dressed in our tartan skirts shirts and ties and devil horns! We are ready to rock! Karaoke later dancing then concert hoping I can cope with all the atmosphere! 

Glasgow weekend

quite excited to be setting off soon to go to Glasgow for the weekend. There’s 10 of us going to see acdc tomorrow night. My boyfriend is driving us today as I wouldn’t have the concentration or alertness to drive us there. The hotel we are staying at looks nice from the website pictures and reviews. Meeting up hopefully will family and friends at 1 all being well with the traffic. I slept reasonably well last night but exhaustion has already kicked in and it’s only nearing 10am have no idea how I’m going to manage this weekend but going to give everything my best shot. I obviously won’t be drinking anything because of my meds but everyone else will be but I’m sure I can have just as much fun without any alcohol. Plus I never drank much before I was put on meds anyway so it’s pretty regular for me anyhow. Going to try power nap in the car to hopefully boost my energy for this afternoon. But if I feel tired later I’m not going to push myself to see all the sites that others may see. My boyfriend and I will do things at our own pace as he knows as well as me my limitations to what I can do! I’m not the girl that can do everything will all the energy and charisma like I used to have. 

Any way have a good weekend all x

Thursday part 2

so work today was much better than yesterday. I felt more focused and I could give the kids I was working with my full attention. I was able to carry out speech sound assessments on two children which has highlighted areas of weakness and I know which they need to work on next. Perhaps the large coffee from Starbucks drive in before work switch the attention and motivation switch temporary to on! Shame I can’t afford Starbucks coffee everyday, just an occasional treat. After the sessions finished and I had time to write up the sessions and plan for tomorrow exhaustion took over and I actually think I fell asleep trying to type up some work one minute it was 3:15 next minute it was 3:50 and almost time for me to finish work. Was pretty lucky I was working in a room on my own and no one noticed. Tomorrow I am working until 2pm then I have chance to pack ready for our weekend away to Glasgow we are going to see acdc on Sunday which I am looking forward to, I just hope I start feeling a bit better and that I don’t get too anxious in the crowds at the concert. I’m hoping everything goes okay. 

I’m hoping today is the start that things are starting to pick up again here’s hoping!

The never ending roller coaster of bipolar up down up down! 🎢

Thursday so far

so the struggle to get out of bed this morning was unreal. Like a mental force making my body heavy and not want to move. Luckily my boyfriend was there for a few words of encouragement. Really freaking out in the shower lately. I think this links to an incident in the past, but the event is faded now, but the emotion I feel in the shower now is panic and anxiety and I rush to get back out where a few weeks ago showers where relaxing and certainly not problematic. Smells and noise are immense. Smelling is the worst though, like when I’m out walking the dog, fresh grass smells so much stronger, the manure spreading on the fields well that makes me want to hurl! Then there’s the smell of gas leaks when I pass a certain part in a footpath. Sometimes there’s intense rotten food smells or stale milk at work in the staff room now and I’m starting to avoiding going in now, which isn’t good because I don’t want to isolate myself from my colleagues when I’ve just started getting in the swing of things. Since my increase in hours from 15 to 20 it’s been noticeable by my manager that I’m struggling and we had a meeting yesterday to discuss how to make things more manageable over the coming weeks and this was really helpful and positive but I still drove home in tears, and exhaustion! I have no idea what has happened inside my brain of mine atm but it truly sucks, I just can’t switch off, past memories are playing regular flashbacks, places of significance are replaying iny head, conversations and advice from people who aren’t alive anymore are playing over and over, and I don’t know if it’s hallucinations, hearing voices or just my mind working overtime, I feel and I’m acting crazy, regardless my behave at the moment is not “normal” whatever that word even means! And the agonising comments of, “a good night sleep will make things go away, or pick yourself up, you’re so miserable just smile you have nothing to worry about anyway!” If only my life was that bloody simple, I’m loosing control of my organisation like housework I can’t keep up with the washing and ironing at work my folder of kids work is an unorganised mess and i stressed all my issues with cpn who visited me this morning. She is very concerned with me at the moment and doesn’t want me to be at work. But I’m not giving up my work it’s the only thing that keeps me sane and being at home would drag me down further and she understands my point of view on that so that’s good. At the same time I do need help but I don’t know what help just yet. Things can only get better right???

Mental exhaustion 

This is how I’m feeling every second of the day at the moment: fighting tiredness yet I just can’t sleep. Mental exhaustion. 
I haven’t slept

Not once

The exhaustion comes

I want to sleep

I close my eyes

Sleep doesn’t come

My mind is running wild

I try to just breathe

Don’t think I tell myself

Just breathe

Sleep doesn’t come

I lie there for hours

Lie there with my eyes closed

Hoping, praying I can sleep tonight

But sleep just doesn’t come

Tuesday tipping point 

today I couldn’t even manage to get to work, and couldn’t bring myself to ring work and explain why I couldn’t come in. I sent my line manager a text and then somehow plucked the courage to ring her and chat. Then I rang crisis team as I couldn’t stop crying I had no idea why I was carry and why I was feeling so low, I couldn’t drive anywhere. I felt glued to the spot, I went to see Mams friend and stayed there for a few hours doing not luck apart from crying but trying to rationalise why I felt so bad. I managed to somehow drive home, but as soon as I got home I cried and cried and cried somemore I felt like I was on my own and no one wanted or knew how to help, I couldn’t drink or eat anything, I didn’t know if I wanted to sit down stand up or lie down, I wanted nothing, but needed a lot, some help! My boyfriend was at work but because I hadn’t sent my normal texts to him to say I was at work he knew someone was wrong, I’ve been saying that I’m sleeping when actually I have had no sleep for such a long time despite sleeping tablets, I am having horrendous flashbacks of my past a lot and a very strong fear of the shower, this links up when I had my psychosis in the past I was terrified of the shower and  I apparently used to scream I can’t go in I can’t go in because something bad happened in a shower a Leeds uni but I have no recollection what! Even when I’m feeling well I go in the shower and tears roll down my face so there must be something subconiously trying to tell me something happened and I need to figure out what. I don’t want to share the nature of the flashbacks and I’m starting to get some hallucinations the same girl I used to see when looking on the mirror at Leeds, back then she gave me positive reassurance to go home and get help and things would be okay. Now her face is half blurred and other half horrifying scary and angry and telling me something bad is going to happen. Like enough bad things already haven’t happened for gods sake. In the last fortnight:

  • Family friend died
  • Job cut backs due to finance difficulties so no guaranteed job security
  • Having objects that were lodged in my ear for years removed
  • Being told that I have permanent damage to my eardrum
  • That I’m practically death completely in my right ear 
  • That my left ear hearing is almost as bad as my right and is loosing hearing rapidly 
  • Being told that it’s not the hospitals responsibility if between now and when I see the consultant who will explain what’s go on, that if I loose my hearing between now and then it’s not there fault! 
  • My frustration anxiety motivation determination positive thinking has all taken some kind of blow

We had an emergency appointment with the cpn nurse and my boyfriend went with me he expressed his concerns. And I got everything I could think of out in the open like word vomit, so they don’t think my lamotrigine is working and hasn’t been for a few weeks my sleeping tablets are having no effect at all. But somehow I managed to go to work ovr the last few weeks and function well and no concerns about my performance were noted by any staff at all. Which is unbelievable quite frankly! So tonight I start my new medication and been advised not to work for the rest of the week so I can get rest. But this makes me feel worse I’ve let down work my boyfriend my family and myself! Life officially sucks, I no longer have any control over my life, and the bloody bipolar has well and truly sucked the life out of me and is well and truly beating me! This is not part of my recovery this fucking sucks!!

I hope everyone else is doing well, and maybe I will get some spark back soon!