sometimes I think how can I make plans? I never know how I’m going to feel from one hour to the next, never mind from day to day. I can be up and happy and full of ideas, but then the littlest things set me off, and I become agitated and sometimes very tearful. For example the other day I wanted to water the plants in the garden and the watering can is kept in the shed. The shed as a combination lock fixed to the bolt on the door. This particularly day, I couldn’t open it, and I said in my head you stupid girl you can’t even do simple tasks like this? That’s just pathetic? And within a few minutes I was crying and felt utterly deflated over something that probably seems quite insignificant and nothing to be overly worried about. Then other days I can open the same combination lock easily and then I forget about the difficulty and get on with the task I had intended to do and no negative thoughts crop into my head. To me one my emotional triggers must be risk of failure, to not achieve even the simplest tasks I have to do which could mean that larger tasks such as a particular task at work could become problematic and very stressful? This has not yet been an issue, but this does really worry me. I often think I worry about worrying as well and think this is often the bipolar in me? Am I alone with this idea? Or do others feel the same?
One of my biggest pet hate at the minute and I’m not talking about anyone in particular when I say this but I do think people often think that I can make my symptoms go away. That I can “just pick myself up”, “stop being ridiculous there’s nothing wrong with you”, “stop being a cry baby, sometimes I just don’t understand where you’re coming from!”, “your not trying hard enough, why do you always have to be so negative.” “You can’t just cry for the sake of crying there must be a reason why your crying.”
All of these quotes above have been said to me over the last couple of months and I genuinely think there needs to be more emphasis, education and understanding of mental illness for everyone regardless of they have a family member who is suffering or not. Everyone should have some knowledge in case they need to apply this knowledge to situations in the future.
At the moment there are many thoughts going through my head:
I wish I could just sleep, I never used to have any problems sleeping but now it gets to 3 in the morning and I’m just laid wide awake, starring at the room around me! It’s bizarre! I hate it!
Will I achieve my life goals?
Am I responsible for the behaviour I may portray some days?
We’re my periods of success like my speech therapy training, my degree, complete the coast to coast cycle, moving house, nothing more than signs of mania and bipolar disorder linked?
I am now feeling very tired, but I can almost place bets on the fact it will still be hours before I get to sleep. It’s not like I’m worried or stressed over anything and I’m not even thinking about much! I pray for a decent sleep! Maybe I just should get tipsy like university days, that always made me sleep ha ha! But probably best not to get into that habit daily, not that I would! I barely drink at all because of my medication and drinking has never been a huge thing in my life as my theory is you can have amazing times and remover the good times, without being drunk, but being sober!