Judging what you see do you even know the real me?

If only you knew what I’ve been through then you wouldn’t need to judge me.
I’m sure you have your misconceptions of me,
But do you even know the true me?
The not so confident and reserved girl in front you,
Boy she’s had a lot to go through.
Rape incidents took place,
But it was me who felt like a disgrace
My rape stayed secret from everyone,
Even my mum and dad,
I got told if I shared what had gone on,
Then he’d threaten my family one by one,
So someone I tried to carry on,
I tried to be strong.
I was 17 at the time,
And should of been living my prime.
At 19 I went to university.
I had kept my secret locked away
Afraid it will escape someday,
And that day came along like a raging storm,
By life turned upside down and it wasn’t the norm,
I managed only two and a half weeks at university.
Thorough out this time I did not sleep,
I hardly ate,
I began to hallucinate,
I didn’t know what was happening,
All I wanted was someone to come and help.
My boyfriend at the time noticed someone was wrong,
And came to collect me and took me home.
Little did I know I was ill with a psychosis,
But I became so unwell I didn’t notice.
The psychosis took a hold of me,u family had to look after me.
I couldn’t do a thing on my own,
But deep down inside I felt safe at home.
I had intervention from the psychosis team,
And a CPN who became very close to me,
They helped to aid my recovery,
It took over a year to regain my confidence and I was ready to go back to university,
But this time to do a degree that was suited to me.
Nursing was not the right choice for me but at least I tried so I knew.
Instead I went to Teesside university,
Which meant I could get there locally.
I did a degree in early childhood studies.
It brought out the true side of me, the determination, the confidence the power to move on,
At last my life was starting to be good.
After my degree I got a job as a teaching assistant and became heavily involved in special needs,
And found a passion in childhood development and speech and language.
I know work the majority of my time,
Working with children in groups or one my one,
To support children with speech and language difficulties and try to support them as best as I can.
This is the career path I will continue to follow,
But for now I am as happy as can be,
The school are supportive and believe in me.
Even if it takes several years before I get my speech registration,
The experience and knowledge that I have gained along the way,
Will continued to be applied day by day.
My mental health story has changed from those early days,
But unfortunately I still have problems taking place,
I have had ongoing depression for years and years,
That was treated with anti depressants over and over again,
In November 2014,
I became so unwell,
It was like living a real life hell,
I was severely depressed more so than any other time,
My family and boyfriend again had to look after me.
Eventually we went to the doctors.
He referred me to a psychiatrist and it wasn’t long before he addressed,
The route of my problem,
Had being misdiagnosed,
And it may of been difficult for someone to notice.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder
I am more so a depressive suffer,
But I have tipped the scale to the other,
I have had manic episode,
Where I’ve acted irrationally and perhaps out of control,
Like spending money outside my needs,
And buying things impulsively that I really didn’t need.
It was a shock to hear what he had told us,
But he had knocked the nail on the head,
We discussed in great detail the things that he said,
And it was constantly replaying inside my head.
The treatment he then started me on was a mood stabiliser and to keep on taking my antidepressants.
I gradually became significantly better,
And I am now very much,
Getting back to how I used to me,
Living and enjoying my life the way it should be.
I am back at work increasing my hours gradually,
Everyone is being so supportive with me.
I have been studying numerous course that give me an understanding of my disorder and strategies of how to cope and manage my symptoms,
And how to spot the signs of something is going on,
Something I will quickly act upon.
I am grateful for the support I am getting and hope I continue successfully along my path to recovery!


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