Another sleepless night so far

Another sleepless night As I lay in my bed tucked up tight

I was hoping I would sleep soundly and safely tonight,

I feel so tired, but my mind is saying, “you must be joking right,”

It’s like my head it’s the pillow ready to sleep 

And my mind thinks quick wake up now,

We will come her awake someway some how,

I’m beginning to wish I knew the trick of how I can get over this.

Ever since my diagnosis and starting to take mood stablished along with the antidepressants I feel I can’t sleep.

And without much sleep I’m finding it difficult during the day to function,

Maybe something needs to be put into motion?

I’ve tried reading, I’ve tried writing, I ensure that the bedroom is pitch black, I’ve tried listening to calming music, but nothing seems to work.

If I can help it I would rather not be put on sleeping pills,

As I think the meds I’m already on can make me drowsy some days,

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist soon so I will talk about my ongoing sleep deprivation,

I just don’t want myself starting slipping into the black hole of depression as at the moment things are going reasonable well,

But there’s still negatives thoughts in my mind that I will never be able to hide,

I guess it’s going to be something I’m going to have to except as part of my daily bipolar ride!

It’s easy for people to say the past is in the past,

There right it is,

But just because it’s in the past doesn’t mean it cannot after the way we are feeling in the here and now,

Life events can still linger in the depths of our mind,

And will continue to remain forever entwined.

But I am now learning from these experiences rather than dwelling in the negatives things and the hurt and pain,

I try to remind myself how far I have come,

And I will no longer be put down by anyone,

The people who hurt me think they’ve won the fight,

But they haven’t at all its me that’s winning outright!

Since the pain they have caused me,

I’ve moved on in life,

I’ve found my soulmate and my bestfriend,

And I’ll know we will be with each other till the very end.

I sometimes wonder where might the boys who hurt me be,

I bet there not living there life like me,

There probably have continued on the root they know,

Causing pain physically and emotionally to others,

Living in street full of drugs,

And probably a load of different thugs,

They probably still not working, they never did,

And they had no intention of ever doing so,

They’re too content on the dole.

I feel this is a major problem in today’s society why should working people have to pay for others who have no intentions of working or bettering themselves,

When there’s other needy soles desperate for help,

I would like to think my tax goes to people who genuinely need it because of a disability or because they are career or because they have an illness preventing them from working or indeed a mental illness,

But to pay my tax to people who are capable of working and have no incapacity, they are just bond idle,

Really angers me,

And I bet there’s others that complete agree! 

Hope and dreams and inbetweens

Hope

Happiness
Opportunity/ optimism

Potential and positivity 

Enjoyment, energy, excitement 

This what I would like my hope to be,

A big part of me,

Full of endless possibilities,

And manageable responsibilities,

Being able to fulfil my ambitions,

Not necessarily with recognition, 

I would like the hope of many times of enjoyment and excitement, 

Particularly with my boyfriend, friends and family,

They are an influential part of making me just me! 

Hope can mean many things for lots of different people 

But for now my hope is the things above,

Our hopes may change day by day,

But still remain come what may!

May you be able to live your hopes, ambitions and dreams! 

Rapid mood change

Earlier today I was not feeling good and lethargic and generally quite down, but I have still very much enjoyed my day. Then this afternoon I have had my best friend round and we have had a afternoon of watching films and having Sunday dinner which was lovely and now we are watching jungle book and reliving and singing along and bringing back some childhood memories, I have been able to have a good laugh and now feel much happier but at the same time still exhausted how does that even work? 

My bestie, my boyfriend and me are all looking forward to watching the final of britains got talent, there really has been some fabulous acts this year I certainly wouldn’t like to be judging it that’s for sure. I hope everyone is having an enjoyable day whatever you have chosen to do 😊

image

I came across this image a little while ago and I love it, it gives me the hope and inspiration that I can and will try my best to inspire others!

i have also read some very interesting articles lately the links are below:

http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/dec/14/-sp-guardian-observer-christmas-appeal-rethink

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/mar/04/bipolar-disorder-wouldnt-want-to-fix-mind

I will add more as time goes on there are some very good kindle books on bipolar and mental health too and some are free to read

Today I don’t feel so “okay”

  

How am I feeling today?

Today I work up and I felt quite okay,

I felt quite upbeat and happy,

And thought that today could be a good day.

I am loving having my parents dog to look after, she means so much to me,

And she’s very good at trying to cheer up a somewhat miserable me.

I have just come back from a lovely walk, just myself and Nellie dog.

I was able to spend sometime looking at the beautiful surrounding,

Taking in the seasonal changes all around,

Listening to the birds and the faint other sounds,

It was quite bizarre that there was not a single person on my walk around.

I think I did some mindfulness as I concentrated on the here and now, in the sense where I focused on where I was walking, I thought about what o could see, and it made me feel at ease, and it was very peaceful.

However on my walk I began to feel exhausted and my energy seems to be fading,

I came back home,

And I just feel, “meh”

I feel so exhausted, 

My eyes feel like lead,

But there doesn’t seem anything particular worrying my head.

I think today needs to be a relaxing day.

Maybe I have a slight worry about return to work tomorrow after a weeks holiday?

But I don’t start work until the afternoon, 

So that should be okay.

All my preparation and activities are planned for the week, so I have no need to worry about this.

However I will check things over later, part of my organisational and slight OCD me.

I think I need to watch a good film and get lost within that, 

So now all that I need to do is choose which film to watch,

Perhaps a Disney film,

No one is ever too old to appreciate and love classical Disney films! 
I am also excited for my best friend coming over to visit later and to stay for Sunday tea 😊 it’s good to have so many supportive people in my life, and I think it’s truly helping my recovery. I get quite emotional when I think of individual people and the ways that they have each helped me in there own unique ways, something’s they do they might just do naturally but the way it helps me that might not even notice, but sometimes without them little things that they do, I wonder how I would feel?

I often think that there will be people out there that dot have people to turn too and even though I have a lot of people to turn too in times of need I can still relate to there pain! 

I hope that one day I can help those people, and help them realise that it’s not themselves to blame!

We are all unique, but very much not all the same! 

Food for thought

sometimes I think how can I make plans? I never know how I’m going to feel from one hour to the next, never mind from day to day. I can be up and happy and full of ideas, but then the littlest things set me off, and I become agitated and sometimes very tearful. For example the other day I wanted to water the plants in the garden and the watering can is kept in the shed. The shed as a combination lock fixed to the bolt on the door. This particularly day, I couldn’t open it, and I said in my head you stupid girl you can’t even do simple tasks like this? That’s just pathetic? And within a few minutes I was crying and felt utterly deflated over something that probably seems quite insignificant and nothing to be overly worried about. Then other days I can open the same combination lock easily and then I forget about the difficulty and get on with the task I had intended to do and no negative thoughts crop into my head. To me one my emotional triggers must be risk of failure, to not achieve even the simplest tasks I have to do which could mean that larger tasks such as a particular task at work could become problematic and very stressful? This has not yet been an issue, but this does really worry me. I often think I worry about worrying as well and think this is often the bipolar in me? Am I alone with this idea? Or do others feel the same?

One of my biggest pet hate at the minute and I’m not talking about anyone in particular when I say this but I do think people often think that I can make my symptoms go away. That I can “just pick myself up”, “stop being ridiculous there’s nothing wrong with you”, “stop being a cry baby, sometimes I just don’t understand where you’re coming from!”, “your not trying hard enough, why do you always have to be so negative.” “You can’t just cry for the sake of crying there must be a reason why your crying.”

All of these quotes above have been said to me over the last couple of months and I genuinely think there needs to be more emphasis, education and understanding of mental illness for everyone regardless of they have a family member who is suffering or not. Everyone should have some knowledge in case they need to apply this knowledge to situations in the future.

At the moment there are many thoughts going through my head:

I wish I could just sleep, I never used to have any problems sleeping but now it gets to 3 in the morning and I’m just laid wide awake, starring at the room around me! It’s bizarre! I hate it!

Will I achieve my life goals?

Am I responsible for the behaviour I may portray some days?

We’re my periods of success like my speech therapy training, my degree, complete the coast to coast cycle, moving house, nothing more than signs of mania and bipolar disorder linked? 

I am now feeling very tired, but I can almost place bets on the fact it will still be hours before I get to sleep. It’s not like I’m worried or stressed over anything and I’m not even thinking about much! I pray for a decent sleep! Maybe I just should get tipsy like university days, that always made me sleep ha ha! But probably best not to get into that habit daily, not that I would! I barely drink at all because of my medication and drinking has never been a huge thing in my life as my theory is you can have amazing times and remover the good times, without being drunk, but being sober!