Hello buddies!

Hello everyone and welcome to my newly made blog page. I have recently been diagnosed with bipolar, and am well on my remission journey. I have suffered depression since the age of 16 and have been on antidepressants ever since. However I believe the antidepressants somewhat masked what was really going on. Looking back I have had severe depressive episodes but I have also had manic episodes. In November 2014 I became severely depressed and could not do anything at all for myself. I was referred to a psychiatrist and through assessment was diagnosed with bipolar. At first it was difficult to come to terms with but now I understand. I have support of my boyfriend, family and friends. But also my cpn, the recovery college and the support group I have recently started attending. I have begun to write my own poems about my experiences and feelings and would like to share them! Hope you enjoy them

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Bipolar buddies Blog & poems by Alicia Lee is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
Based on a work at https://bipolarbuddies.wordpress.com/.

long time no see…

it’s been quite a while since my last blog. life seems to be going by a million miles an hour but sometimes you need to take 5 minutes out of a busy day to reflect on how things are at the minute. things are great wedding plans are going smoothly I have picked my dress and when I tried it on will all the accessories and shoes it felt right it felt real and it hit me that I’m actual bride and it was an overwhelming happy feeling. it made things that more special. mood wise things are still good and I feel quite on an even plain which is good. my ears are quite problematic again infections and dizziness fairly often which is peeing me off but I’m trying hard not to let it bring my mood down. all in all I feel I am managing very well despite the major things that are happening in life dare I say I feel ‘normal’ or “like everyone else’ I don’t really like the word normal as what even is normal? but I feel like I’m doing pretty good shall we say. I’m also doing really well with my fitness I’m enjoying the gym 3 times a week and in between walking etc making sure everyday I’m doing something that counts towards exercise I’m week 5 of joining slimming world and I have lost nearly half a stone. I’m so pleased with my progress as my gp and psychiatrist said with bipolar medication and thyroid medication it is difficult for people to loose weight but each week it’s coming off gradually.  yes I may not be like some of the people at slimming world loosing 5 6 pound a week but literature says it’s more natural to loose 1 or 2 pounds a week so I’m doing good. and half a stone lighter for my wedding ☺. so far so good.  well that’s about it for now. bye for now. 

only so many hours left in a day

poem/song that came to me on the wsy to work so i quickly wrote it down, i likw it,

there’s only so many hours left in a day,
times moving faster,
there’s only one way.
travelling on this journey,
listening to the story
we’ve only got one life
it’s what we do with the time we have
there’s so many things I gotta do before its too late!
so enjoy this journey,
living in the story,
make the most of every second left in your day☺

super Sunday

today had been a lovely day. I started the day with a lovely walk in the sunshine with frost on the ground lively and refreshing. I then went to my grandparents to show them my wedding invitations and met my cousins Rachael and Matthew Rachael is my maid of honour they all loved the invitations and things seem to be getting that little bit more exciting again ☺ another fab thing from today was that we have managed to get a wedding cake maker and she’s able to do the design we want!  even better we get to meet her for coffee and try cake samples mmmm don’t mind if we do! 😂 as the day draws to a close I have taken some time just for me to relax which I rarely do mam bought me some temple spa products most of which I’m saving for my honeymoon but I decided to use the foot cream and hand cream tonight and they are both like heaven my skin feels amazing and it feels like I’ve had a mini spa session so relaxing, thing is these products aren’t the cheapest to buy so will have to treat myself occasionally my heads always running a hundred miles an hour and with return to work full time and all of the wedding organisations the next few month is going to be hectic there will be some amazing but some stressful times. I need to try and take even 10 minutes out of my day to colour or pamper myself so that my body and mind get chance to relax for a while.  my sleep is becoming disturbed again which sucks as I’ve been managing a good few months of sleeping all night. I think it’s because there’s literally so much happening righy now that my minds finding it difficult to switch off. if only it was that simple eh. like a light switch on during the day to serve it’s purpose and energy then off on the night to switch off until it’s next needed! that would be ideal! I hope everyone has had a nice weekend whatever it involved ☺

troublesome tiredsome Thursday

today has been very hard work. behavioural problems with the little one I support has taken up a lot of the day to calm reassure and try and find compromise and reasoning behind uncalled for behaviour. nightmare. I try to be fair but when things need sorting professionally I am also able to put on my stern “I’m not impressed by your actions and you have really upset me by what you have done” voice,  I hate shouting though I just try and sort things in a matter of fact way! but my good I’m shattered drained I don’t even know the words I’m feeling all off my energy I think I threw into this day to try and come to a negotiable outcome but tomorrow requires a meeting with parents about today’s issues hoping tomorrow is a better day for little one and for the staff involved.  I do love my job I really do but just goes to show no two days are the same and shows the up and down roller coaster of life that sometimes we are expected to adapt to but sometimes it’s not easy. tonight there’s questions flying round my head, is it my me that’s upset his routine and caused him to behaviour irrationality am I not disciplining enough,  am I doing the right thing, should I change what I am doing, what can I do differently.  be mind will be in overdrive with these questions going rides a bipolar mind never rests it’s always active even during sleep the mind is still rationalising and trying to make sense of the trillions of unanswered messages going on in there no wonder life is a daily struggle for us bipolar suffers. well as they say onwards and upwards tomorrow is a brand new day with new horizons!

well a belated happy new year ðŸ˜€

I hope that everyone has enjoyed the festive period and new year with family and friends. I was lucky enough to have a wonderful Christmas time with friends family and loved ones. we enjoyed new years eve by having a meal with our next door neighbour a then having a few drinks with them at there house.  christmas seems to have been and gone in a quick blur and January is nearing an end already. I returned back to work full time at the beginning of January the first week back I was absolutely exhausted physically and mentally as it has been nearly a year since I worked full time it’s a big step from working part time to think go to full time . this week I have been much better have more energy and stamina. although I am going to bed pretty early. but that’s like most people after a long day at work tiredness kick in
mentally I feel things are pretty stable and I feel on a level key and hope this stability remains. wedding plans are still going great and I don’t feel at all stressed by them as we have a lot of the things already done photographer booked wedding cars venue ceremony,  reception,  catering, dj, bar, table decorations etc. invitations due in next week or so to. once the invitations are our and returned to us I think the stress levels may go up in terms of planning the setting plan everyone is telling me that is the most stressful part! if anyone has a easy guide to setting plan I would be very grateful lol! hope everyone is having a promising start to the new year like I am! take care x


i dont know if its because there has bern a lot going on lately and things have brrn stressful but i am absolutely exhausted it gets to mid day and it feel like something sucked the energy out of me and a injection of energy with immediate effect would be great! I came across this article and it does have some useful tips which I will try to work at just wondered if anyone else had any tips and advise of combating extreme fatigue and exhaustion please do leave comments ☺ xxx


some of my thoughts within my Pandora box

every rape survivor reacts and comes differently.  think if a bereavement there are different stages of grief and everyone would cope differently.  the days in which the abuse took place were most definitely the darkest and most traumatic days of my life.
sometimes I try ad picture a peaceful place like one of my favourite places Tunstall reservoir.  so calm so peaceful so quiet so still. when I panic I can become withdrawn from the current situation.  I am finding it most beneficial going to the gym to keep active and to distract myself from negative thoughts.
I am starting to realise that avoidance is not a solution. talking to close friends is useful but it isn’t always a solution either.

how do I deal with regularly occurring flashbacks?  I am going to try and write down the flashbacks and discuss them with my psychologist. I have a great deal of self blame  I never used to be able to cry out my feelings but now I can cry and feel I am able to let some of the things out that I would otherwise keep hidden and locked away  I use this metaphor of the Pandora box,  my liccy box. the box where my experiences good and bad, memories and emotions that are within the box but often remain shut and locked away. sometimes the lid of the liccy box opens slightly ajar and some memories and experiences are shared or indeed thoughts and feelings may be shared
l need to try and learn and to accept that there will be good and bad days but that this normal and is experienced by everybody. I am proud of what I have achieved and my stepping stones to success are evident.
I need to learn to set myself manageable goals. try not to blame myself when things go wrong. learn to be proud of myself. sometimes there will be times of sadness and extreme low days, but for me it is important to keep going and never give up hope.  allow myself time to recover and to take care of myself,  pamper myself and to learn to love myself more. believe that I am beautiful and a good person is going to take a long time before I start to praise and believe in myself.  there is no one way of coping and healing.
I do get a sense of satisfaction and slight relief when I am able to write down my thoughts and feelings on my blog as it is how I am feeling at tat specific moment in time and often this can be useful to look back on for reflective practice and therapy work.

interesting article for people with mental health issues to relate to

I came across the following article today and it highlights just what people with mental health problems go through on a daily basis

it proves to me just how amazing we all are in how we carry on living our day to day lives often with a burden of things on our mind!

give the article a quick read it’s worth a glance ☺

long time coming…

it’s been a long time since I’ve updated with a blog on here.

it’s certainly been a roller coaster the last few weeks. the wedding planning is going great. work consultations about the redundancies not so great but I am actively looking for other work opportunities but at least I remain working in my current role until the end of March which gives me time to hopefully secure a full time job elsewhere.  the bad news that we’ve faced this week is a bereavement in the family.  another angel in heaven and another star in the sky.  my fiancee and I shared lots of treasured memories with this lovely lady and she will be sadly missed. however we are pleased that we both got to say our final goodbyes to her when she needed it most!  I am  coping with it as everybody else would cope bereavement effects ever person differently.  last night I made the decision for my fiancee and I to have a reflection time and to light a candle in her memory.  we are doing our best to support the family with anything they need help and support with. we are managing day by day. my medication finally feels stable again and the migraines have eased. onwards and upwards keep plodding on keep optimistic keep smiling and have faith that tomorrow is a new day with new memories to make!